Halfway through the "year."

We're halfway through this grand office year. The visitations are coming thick and fast. He was away three days and two nights last weekend, one evening last week and will be away two days, starting tomorrow. The truce seems to be holding, we aren't fighting about it.

But, already, he has another international office. And, he's talking about the next grand line for the state. *sigh*

How am I coping? I've been working my tail off in the yard getting the landscaping restored, trying to beat the rain. Now that it's too wet and cold for that, I got a puppy. She's fitting into the family quite nicely. She does not like football and she can't join the Masons because she's a girl. I don't know about male dogs, there probably aren't any who have joined because they don't know they have to ask.

Loneliness

He was installed as the Grand "Pubah" of a state affiliated body two weekends ago. This entailed a four day trip away from home. Already, he is gone for another four day weekend visit to another state's grand sessions. Next weekend, two days away.

I am supposed to be comforted that next month, he has no trips, but June holds at least two. I already know that things will "come up."

It's fine that he is doing something he enjoys. What is not fine is that he can't be bothered for more than a five minute phone call once a day. I have to wait until he calls me as the schedule at these events is packed tightly. That's okay. But if his roommate comes in, he's done talking, period.

I'm plenty busy during the day. I can certainly handle four days alone. But, he is spending time we would, ordinarily, have together and there is no way to get it back. I'm feeling how short life is becoming. Letting OUR time slip away on something I cannot share makes me sad, maybe even angry. I am trying to take the view that he's happy right now.

Still, I am lonely.

A weekend away

On the positive side, not "going along" for these multi-day events gives me a weekend to enjoy my way. I am staying with a dear friend who is also a Masonic wife. Ordinarily, she does accompany her Mason, but she's injured and not able to go.

Works for us. We get time together without the "overlay".

Wives are not default secretaries.

It has begun. This weekend, my husband sent out letters to invite members to serve as his "deputies" during his term as Worshipful Grand Master of the Council of Cryptic Masons in our state this coming year.

This morning, I got the first of many phone calls that start, "Is (insert name) there?, This is (insert name) from (insert lodge) and I got a letter from him..."

My husband is a man of working age and not here during the day. So, my request that they call back in the evening is usually met with, "Can you have him call me back? My number is..." Or more difficult, "Tell him that..." or "I need to know...". I'm not usually in a good place to take detailed message, portable phones have sort of messed up the pencil and pad by the phone system.

I have requested a standard reply from my husband. It will be easier for me to have a canned answer than to try to think of something off the cuff.

I have memories of a pizza parlor we went to when I was a child. It had a sign on the wall: "We have an agreement with the bank. The bank does not make pizza and we don't cash checks." I fantasize something like: "I have an agreement with my husband. He's a Mason and I'm not."

In reality, I think it's time to set up the answering machine with multiple mailboxes and let it handle the traffic. Then, I don't have to deal with the aggravation and the caller gets a standard greeting and a place to leave a detailed message. The only people who won't be happy are the telemarketers and those who want to talk to me, immediately. But, my family and friends know my cell number, don't they?

How do you talk about it?

I have no answers to this question. I'm not very good at it, that's for sure.

I end up spilling my anger and he ends up stonewalling. Not a productive way to communicate over any topic.

Still, what can be said? I don't want him gone so much; I feel abandoned. He feels justified but cannot (will not?)explain to me what he gets out of it.

He does not even understand that I am not asking him to quit. Just to moderate his participation and accept that it's not my thing.

I need him to know that asking me to attend events is not "being nice." It puts me in a bind. I love him. I can't go.

Mixed Marriage

In many ways, being married to a Mason carries the same burdens as marriage to someone of a different religion. His belief in the mythology of Masonry and participation in archaic, secret rituals can leave the wife feeling excluded. In some ways, it is worse than a religious difference because a woman cannot even "read" the ritual book as it is written in a cypher using only the first letter of each word. The meaning is passed on by rote learning, one Mason to another.

If, for example, a marriage is between a catholic and a protestant, they at least have a common holy book, can attend each others services, even convert if they choose. Between more different religions, the holy books can still be shared, discussed, even debated. Seldom are there rituals that cannot be explained so that there is understanding between the spouses.

Full participation, in this country, is not an option. At best, a wife can attend banquets and installations, but her presence is entirely peripheral. Joining the womens' auxiliary organizations may be satisfying to some. However, one is no closer to knowing what her husband is doing at all those meetings she may never attend.

Few religious adherents, in the United States, attend more than one or two meetings per week. The abundance of appendant Masonic organizations makes it possible for a Mason to belong to a dozen or more. Each has it's monthly meeting and often, a multi-day annual convention. Men elected to district or state offices are expected to make visitations upon other groups, greatly multiplying the meetings available to attend. This can lead to a sense of abandonment as the he leaves home all day Saturday and 3 nights in the same week, or travels out of state for a 3-4 day meeting using his vacations days to do so.

Most modern women hold jobs as well as keeping the house and rearing the children. She cannot follow her husband from event to event. Despite the claim made by Masonry that it will not interfere with duty to family, that is not my experience nor that of many women I have talked to. His Masonic duties tend to come right behind those of his employment leaving family a sad third in line for his attention.

Any hobby can get out of hand and take too much attention. The problem is that most Masons don't think of it as a hobby. It's a devotion, an obligation, an oath-bound allegiance; it insinuates itself into every available niche. Similar to the Marine's motto "God, Country, Corps", wife and family come in a distant last.

Welcome To MW-Anon

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